Opinion | George Santos resign? That’s the last thing he should do!

Yes, thank you! I, Kevin, your speaker of the House, will gladly take questions on any subject! Any subject at all! Go ahead!

Oh, George Santos has been indicted? And has confessed to a crime in Brazil? I hadn’t heard. I’m sorry, much on my mind lately! Trying to make the nation default! Default, as they say, is in our stars! Just a little budget humor for you.

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That George has been indicted means nothing. The prosecutor seems to think he committed some crimes — okay, more than a dozen — but George says he did not. Well, who am I going to believe, a prosecutor, or the man who invented the sun?

There’s a resolution to expel him from Congress? And we’re going to have to vote on it? But — he’s our special guy! “Integrity” is his first name! I just can’t imagine voting to expel the Guinness record holder for most times landed on the moon. I can’t imagine expelling anyone with an R after his name, even if it is preceded by the letters L-I-A. I just don’t see it.

No, people are just jealous that George wrote “War and Peace.” I bet they saw this Rhodes scholar, the creator of the Walt Disney Co., the very George for whom Georgia is named, getting elected to Congress, and felt as though they had never accomplished anything in their own lives. People see the man who won every Super Bowl while also healing scrofula with his touch, and they cavil and quibble. It’s human nature. I forgive them. George also forgives them. That is just the kind of guy he is — the Son of God, as he once admitted, before performing the miracle of the loaves and fishes. On top of all that, he has a bridge to sell me, though he doesn’t need the money; he already has lots of money from sources I have no questions about!

Do I think he should leave office? Well, answer me this: Is my House majority large and resignation-proof? Did it take me fewer than 10 votes to be elected speaker? Does it look as if I have a lot of integrity?

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Lately it seems as though lots of the people I associate with in politics are being indicted! And that can mean only one thing: my associates are unsavory the prosecutors are out to get us!

I think politics is too cynical and full of grifters, and George agrees. As he so famously said, “Ask not what your country can do for you! I cannot tell a lie. I did cut down the cherry tree, four score and seven years ago, and the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Integrity is his first name. This was the man who warned that the British were coming! He remembers the Alamo! He built the Grand Canyon!

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Why would I ask him to resign? If it is a crime to do money laundering, make false statements to the House of Representatives and steal public funds, well then I guess the things he has been accused of are crimes! But remember, just because someone is accused of committing crimes does not mean that he isn’t still my special little guy, the reason for my majority, my inspiration! Besides, who could think ill of the man who was the model for Michelangelo’s David while also being John Malkovich?

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Also, I think people who are accused of a crime deserve every possible benefit of the doubt, and possibly not to have to suffer any consequences whatsoever, as long as they are my political ally! Everyone else should have the book thrown at them and become toxic forever!

Look, I am very busy trying to run the country’s economy into the ground! This is no time to abandon my allies. Because no matter how bleak things look, don’t worry: I know somebody who can turn it all around. The very man who invented economics. You’ll never guess what his name is. He also can, if pressed, turn lead into gold, he says, which might come in handy if something bad happens to the dollar! Now why would I vote for his removal?

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